Advisor Perspectives welcomes guest contributions. The views presented here do not necessarily represent those of Advisor Perspectives.
To buy a copy of Bev’s book, The Pocket Guide to Sales for Financial Advisors, click here.
Beverly Flaxington is a practice management consultant. She answers questions from advisors facing human resource issues. To submit yours, email us here.
Dear Bev,
I attended a workshop you did a while ago on leadership skills and managing effectively. I don’t have my MBA nor did I go to school for general business. However, I think I have a fair amount of knowledge when it comes to developing plans, aligning team members and creating systems for success.
You spoke about giving good feedback – both positive comments and constructive criticism – as being difficult for many people. I took some notes, but I’m having a hard time when I have to confront someone who either cries in response or is combative with me about what they are hearing in terms of changes they need to make.
In summary, it’s the emotional responses I don’t know how to deal with, and I’m looking for some ideas on how to steel myself for the next round, which will be coming up in September.
T.S.
Dear T.S.,
Please don’t take umbrage at this comment, but as a first step, I ask you to think about the language you are using to describe how you experience this feedback process. When giving feedback, you don’t want to “confront” someone or “steel” yourself in preparation, as if for an attack.
I know you will likely respond these are “just words” and I am missing the substance of what you are trying to convey, but words are powerful. We create pictures in our mind when we talk to ourselves and use terms that either bolster our abilities or drag us down and make us apprehensive and even fearful.
Somehow you have a perspective these conversations are something to be “steeled” against rather than seeing them as an opportunity to engage with your team members and share insights and ideas. When feedback is done well, it can be the greatest gift you give to someone.
The biggest improvements I have made in my professional (and personal) experiences – and I think many other people will concur with this – have been because someone pointed out something I was doing that wasn’t benefiting me. We only improve when we can see what we need to do differently.
The responses you are getting – tears, anger – could be a result of two things. One is your delivery. I’m wondering – again, just observing your language here – whether you might either rush through what you have to say, deliver it in an unintentionally harsh manner, or perhaps say things that are more personal rather than professional. Please review your approach and make sure you are being objective, open and clear when you speak to team members.
The second thing is the respondent’s ability to hear what you are saying and take it as feedback rather than an affront. When we share information with someone, we can’t control how they filter it and whether they want to hear it or not.
Some people have a view of themselves that is not aligned with how others see what they are doing. If you disrupt my illusions, so to speak, and ask me to look at something I don’t want to see, I am going to make you – the messenger – the problem.
Can you mitigate these negative responses? Yes, a bit – by going back to my first point and being very careful about how to manage these conversations. But since ultimately we don’t control the reactions and responses of others, part of the feedback might be asking them to question why they are having negative emotional reactions, what triggers them and how they might handle it differently.
Getting upset by either crying or lashing out at one’s boss, or peer, isn’t a good professional “look,” so they aren’t doing themselves any favors by creating a situation where you don’t even want to have another conversation with them. Again, I’m not judging – these emotional responses happen for many reasons. I’m simply saying you would help them by showing them they could make better choices next time they are about to respond in a nonproductive way.
