Beverly Flaxington is a practice management consultant. She answers questions from advisors facing human resource issues. To submit yours, email us here. 
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Dear Bev,
I work for a great advisory firm. We have a strong culture, our clients enjoy doing business with us and our partners treat us, the employees, with respect. It’s a family-owned firm – the father still runs it with his daughter and two sons. I get along with all of the family members and there are only five of us in the firm who are not related.
The problem is that the two sons dislike one another. They are overtly nasty and make it unpleasant in meetings when they disagree. I have suggested to their sister that they could benefit from some family counseling. But she laughs it off saying they have always been that way together. Her view is that if it doesn’t hurt the firm, what’s the harm of it? To me the harm is the uncomfortable position my colleagues and I find ourselves in. We are treated fine, and no one asks us to take sides, but we respect both advisors. It’s an affront to see and hear how they degrade each other and how difficult they can be.
I’ve thought about talking to each one separately but that’s where the family issues come in. I don’t know enough about their history together and maybe there is bad blood that goes back to when they were kids. I want them to understand that we like both of them and it’s hurtful to see them attacking each other. Do you think I should just stay out of it or could I provide some benefit if I were to intervene in their problems?
Janet B.
Dear Janet,
Relationships in business are tricky but, as you point out, family relationships in business are often very, very tricky. One thing you could consider, and you mention it in your question to me, is that families often have their own cultures and norms. These two brothers may very well have grown up by being sarcastic to one another, picking on one another and it could be that this is how they operate effectively together! What, to an outsider, could appear as disrespect or being mean, to an insider or other family member, it’s just what they do. I suspect this is going on based on the response you received from their sister when you tried to engage her help. If she laughed it off, it’s probably been going on for some time and she is somewhat immune to it.
Your note leads me to believe that the brothers are not disrespectful to you, nor are they disrespectful to others in the firm. You don’t mention them acting out against their sister, or their dad, so it would seem this behavior is a legacy of something from their childhood – some sort of competitiveness or approach they’ve developed which helps them cope with one another most effectively.
Unless the situation is so bad that you find your ability to function, or that of your colleagues, is compromised, I would probably chalk this up to a family dynamic that you aren’t privy to. If there is an impact on the business or on clients, then by all means don’t stand to the side and let the behavior continue. But if the main issue is that you feel badly that they treat one another badly, you might want to try and separate your own feelings from the situation and view it more objectively.
When it comes to difficult people, I ask those affected to consider impact. Is the behavior destructive enough that it is impairing your ability to do your job, or hurting someone else in the firm? If so, you should probably try and reason with them, or at least point out the ill effects (in as non-threatening a way as possible). But in your case, I interpret there is no major impact other than on your dislike of how they handle one another. Most times, if there is no real impact, it’s best to work on refusing to be triggered by the bad behavior and trying to step outside of it and view it more objectively. It’s not optimal, of course, but when it comes to dealing with people I’ve learned to be a realist. So, consider impact and then decide your best course of action.
Dear Bev,
I enjoyed hearing your presentation this week on the importance of having a Vision, a Mission and firm Values. I don’t run our advisory firm, but what do I do when we don’t have any of the three stated? It’s not like it’s a bad place to work, but it’s not very fulfilling either.
B.L.
Dear B.L.,
I’m afraid in most all cases the leader, or leaders, of a firm have to be the ones to create the vision and the mission. It’s best done when they can include their staff, and certainly when they communicate clearly to get other team members engaged, but I’ve not seen many cases where the staff presented the ideas to the leaders to embrace.
This doesn’t mean you can’t present the desire to have a clearer vision, mission and set of values instituted. If you have a good relationship with your firm leaders, consider telling them you had the opportunity to hear an interesting talk on the subject and wonder what they view as the vision, etc. for their firm. Sometimes leaders have a clear view, but it has been watered down or not communicated well to staff. They might surprise you with something! If your suspicions are accurate and none exist today, you could express an interest in getting involved in helping to craft something. Perhaps propose a firm-wide effort to enhance or solidify the firm’s vision, mission and values.
It could be a great rallying cry for you and others in the firm to get involved and work together (with the leader’s direction) to evolve something you could become excited about. Be sure when you approach the leaders you do so with curiosity and openness and not with negativity or an accusatory manner. Most human beings will get defensive if they feel attacked or criticized, so pursue this with a desire to contribute something positive.
Beverly Flaxington co-founded The Collaborative, a consulting firm devoted to business building for the financial services industry in 1995. In 2008, she co-founded Advisors Trusted Advisor to offer dedicated practice management resources to advisors, planners and wealth managers. She is currently an adjunct professor at Suffolk University teaching undergraduate students Leadership & Social Responsibility. Beverly is a Certified Professional Behavioral Analyst (CPBA) and Certified Professional Values Analyst (CPVA).
She has spent over 25 years in the investment industry and has been featured in Selling Power Magazine and quoted in hundreds of media outlets, including The Wall Street Journal, MSNBC.com, Investment News and Solutions Magazine for the FPA. She speaks frequently at investment industry conferences and is a speaker for the CFA Institute.
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