Should I Share Personal Issues with My Firm?

Dear A.P.,

Oh how I wish we could have this discussion over a cup of tea or glass of wine! This is such a common dilemma for the professional working mother. I have had it posed, in many different ways, hundreds of times throughout my career.

You don’t say much about the culture of your firm. This is an important place to start. Is it a workaholic culture or a more work-family-life-balance oriented culture? Are the male partners understanding that your role and circumstances are a bit different? Are you doing well there so that you are earning points when you need to ask for a “favor”?

I hesitate to give a firm answer without knowing a bit of the context of how the firm operates and what’s considered to be acceptable behavior and what’s not. Everything we do in any organization small or large has to be viewed in the context of the culture. What works fine in one situation could backfire in another. Same with the leadership – some are much more understanding and supportive than others.

Assuming your firm values your contributions and wants you to continue to be there for the long term, you have earned some rights. Approach the advisor who is most senior and with whom you have the best relationship. Explain what is happening, although refrain from giving him as much detail as you have given me here. Ask for his advice. Note that your daughter is dealing with some medical issues, and you’d prefer not to go into details. But you are the primary caregiver when it comes to anything medical, and you need to be able to make appointments and support her in this journey. Tell him you will be very conservative about how much time you need to take (assuming this is a commitment you can make and fulfill) and you are very committed to growing in your role at the firm.

Ask his advice knowing the culture. Do you need to share this with anyone else? Do you need to make others aware of when you’ll be out of pocket? Do you need support in the form of EAP or additional medical coverage from the firm? You don’t say if you have an HR person. I will make an assumption that there is no one in this type of role so you might also want to consult with the person who administers the benefits for your firm, or the outside firm they work with. Get some insight about your options for supporting your daughter.

As a mother who worked (hard) throughout all of my children’s upbringing, focus on your daughter. You would not be happy with yourself if you delegated this to someone else. Explore options within your advisory firm to get some direction and support about how best to proceed. Don’t apologize. Don’t over-explain. Just give the overall background and ask for some guidance.

Dear Bev,

I know this sounds crazy from a business that serves high-net worth clients with a sophisticated planning process, but I have an advisor who is literally bullying one of my other advisors. The other advisor is a woman and she is very timid and quiet. She doesn’t exude confidence, although our clients adore her. This older male advisor is constantly calling her out in meetings, observing to others when she hasn’t done what she needs to with a client or in the system and generally making her out to be an idiot. I have addressed this with him and his response is, “If she can’t take it, maybe this isn’t the business for her. I’m just joshing about everything.”

I thought I left bullies behind in 9th grade. I can’t believe I am watching this in my own firm. This isn’t how I operate and I don’t like to see this. But both advisors are strong performers. It’s not like I can manage one out and keep the other.

I have told the female advisor not to cry, not to let this bother her and yet I see her in her office (yes, we are mostly back in person) crying most every day. We have glass walls and if she isn’t full-on crying, she is wiping her eyes.

I want to tell this guy to just knock it off. But when I spoke with my wife about it she said he is likely an attention seeker and probably won’t respond to this. I have to do something – is it time for a formal review with a verbal warning. But I don’t want to threaten a top performer when candidly I have no intention of letting him go.

K.B.

Dear K.B.,

This is a great example of why I have said for years that financial advisory certification and training programs ought to include a focused track on psychology and relationship counseling.

Unfortunately for many people the “middle school” approach doesn’t leave and they continue to act out many of the dynamics as they did in 7th grade in adulthood and even in their professional lives. I once worked in a large financial services company where we were undergoing change and several of the people on my team were upset about steps I was taking and a view I expressed about the changes. It got to the point where if I walked into the ladies’ room and they were there they would all walk out all together. I also received a number of “I hope you die” sorts of emails from said group. It’s the first time I saw up close and personal how the bullying behavior can manifest in every situation, including sophisticated financial firms!

In the situation you describe, your best approach is to pull these two individuals together and have a conversation with all three of you. This will be mortifying to the woman who is being bullied so you have to take some steps in advance to prepare.

Take the male advisor out for coffee or get him off the premises. This is best done over a beer if you both drink alcohol. Share with him that you respect his intentions are not negative, and he is “joshing” and joking but that the delivery method he chooses is fundamentally mean. Ask him, in an open-ended manner, what he is trying to accomplish by treating this other advisor this way. See if you can get him to open up about what’s underneath the behavior rather than telling him he is wrong. He might have reasons – he doesn’t like this woman, he thinks she is slacking off, he thinks she isn’t very talented and so on. It doesn’t excuse his manner of dealing with her, but it might gain you some insight into what he is thinking.

Then talk to the female advisor separately. This could be done in the office so as not to put her on the spot but you could coach her a bit about bullies. When they get a reaction, they continue with their path. When they don’t get a reaction, they often cease the behavior because it isn’t gaining them anything. Ask her if there is a way she could work on her own emotional response – manage her stress, build her confidence so that these remarks roll off her. You could ask her open-ended, “Why do you care so much what this person thinks about you?” Again, I’m not suggesting this behavior is okay or that you excuse it, I’m simply saying you could help her build her resolve and confidence a bit and see that she is playing into his hands by responding with tears and upset.

After you have spoken with both and it makes sense, pull them together to have a Ground Rules discussion. How can they agree to work together more effectively? If they have differences of opinion, what steps can they take to deal with these so they do not become public fodder? What is their collective objective for an outcome? What will they agree to do as action steps if one believes the other is stepping out of line?

I am sure many advisors/leaders reading this are thinking “Really? Is it my job to play shrink?” But, unfortunately in many cases, it is. This is likely not going to resolve on its own and you don’t want to lose either team member. An intervention is your best option.

Beverly Flaxington co-founded The Collaborative, a consulting firm devoted to business building for the financial services industry in 1995. The firm also founded and manages the Advisors Sales Academy. She is currently an adjunct professor at Suffolk University teaching undergraduate and graduate students Entrepreneurship and Leading Teams. Beverly is a Certified Professional Behavioral Analyst (CPBA) and Certified Professional Values Analyst (CPVA).

She has spent over 25 years in the investment industry and has been featured in Selling Power Magazine and quoted in hundreds of media outlets, including The Wall Street Journal, MSNBC.com, Investment News and Solutions Magazine for the FPA. She speaks frequently at investment industry conferences and is a speaker for the CFA Institute.

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