Asking Great Questions is a Superpower

Researchers have found that the most common complaints people mention after having a conversation, such as an interview or a first date, is, "I wish he/she had asked more questions," or, "I can't believe he/she didn't ask me any questions."

A list of the reasons why we struggle to ask great questions and default to talking would certainly include a desire to impress the person, assume we already know the answers, lack of curiosity, fear of being seen as rude or incompetent, etc.

These are all valid and all things we've experienced whether ourselves or in conversation with someone else.

But the culprit isn't on that list.

It's two-fold. We don't understand how powerful question-asking can be. And we don't think it's a skill that can be honed (or, if you do, you don't know how to hone it).

People want to be asked great questions. They want to talk about themselves. Brain studies have shown that talking about yourself lights up the same area of the brain as eating chocolate and sexual activity.

To test just how effective questions can be, another group of researchers scrutinized thousands of conversations between people just getting to know each other. They had one group of people focus on asking questions (at least nine in 15 minutes) and asked another to avoid asking questions (no more than four in 15 minutes).

Not surprisingly, the researchers found that the group focused on asking questions were better liked and learned more about their partner's interests.

In other words, asking questions does two things: it establishes likability and trust while yielding valuable information and it is the foundation of a successful first meeting.

Questions are surprisingly powerful because they send a signal to the other person that it's about them, not you.

A great question can have far greater impact on your client's lives than any investment ever could.

A great question will change the growth trajectory of your business in a way that a networking event could only dream of.

What follows is a guide for advisors on honing your question-asking abilities in a first meeting so that you can enhance client outcomes and forever change the trajectory of your business.

We'll start with a couple principles of great question-asking and then include a menu of questions from which to choose.

Principles for asking great questions

Before we get to the actual questions you can incorporate, let's address the key principles to making sure those questions are as effective as possible:

A great question minus listening and curiosity is no longer a great question.

These three form a cycle with one feeding into the next. But remove one element and the whole thing breaks down.

The order and structure of your questions plays a crucial role.

Start with less-sensitive questions and escalate slowly. A famous study of individuals on a blind date showed that those told to work through a progressive set of questions liked each other more. Always start with a question that allows the person to talk comfortably while focusing on positive feelings.

For example, on my podcasts, my first question is always to have the guest tell us about their journey that brought them to where they are today. It's a story they know, so it's easy to answer and it elicits positive emotions.

Don't stress over "closed-ended" versus "open-ended" questions

Open-ended questions yield more information. But closed-ended questions have a place, too. And, as long as you use the following list to come up with questions you know you're going to ask, you'll have plenty of open-ended questions and don't need to sit in a meeting wondering, "How do I not ask a closed-ended question here?"

The most powerful question is a follow-up question

Follow-up question are exactly like they sound. It's a question seeking more information or clarity on what the person has revealed. They are powerful because it signals to the other person that you are listening, that you care, and that you want to know more. Follow-up questions are especially effective in getting the person to improve their clarity and be more vivid on what they want to accomplish.

Two of the most powerful ways to start follow-up questions are: "I'm curious to hear more about..." and "It sounds like...." If you don't believe me, try them with your significant other or someone close to you first and you'll be amazed by what happens!

The best questions for a first meeting

This list is a combination of research, listening and reading the anatomy of a great question, and a compiling of responses from advisors around the world on LinkedIn and Twitter when asked the question: "What is your favorite or best question to ask in a first meeting?"

It's a list of questions from which you can choose. A menu, if you will. Some will resonate with you and others won't.

Focus on finding the ones that will enhance your focus of building trust/credibility while uncovering the information you need to solve the client's problems.

After reviewing hundreds of questions, a consistent theme emerged. The questions to ask in a first meeting can be categorized as seeking to do one of four things:

1. Diagnosing today's money problems
2. Clarifying vision, purpose, and values
3. Understanding money history
4. Setting clear expectations (a key component to any healthy relationship!)

Diagnosing today's problems

• What brings you in today? What's on your mind?
• What was the catalyst that led you to reach out and ask for help?
• If you could waive a magic wand and change one thing about your financial life (or life in general) at this point, what would it be?
• What is one thing that if we could help you solve would make everything we do together worth it?
• When you are sitting around the kitchen table talking about money, what are you talking about?
• On a scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you with your finances? Is there anything you’d like to improve?

Clarifying vision, purpose, and values

• Why is money important to you? (If you ask this question, it's crucial that you use follow-up questions to get past the surface level responses you're bound to receive.)
• Let's say you wake up tomorrow morning and have $10 million in your bank account. What do you do with it? How do you feel? ("Invest it all" is not an acceptable answer.)
• If you found out today that you just received $20 million but only have 10 years to live, what does the next 10 years of your life look like? What would you do and what would you stop doing?
• Imagine you are financially secure with enough money to take care of your needs both now and in the future. How would you live your life? What would you do? Would you change anything? (Kinder question #1)
• You've just visited the doctor who has delivered the news that you only have 5-10 years left to live. The good news is you'll never be sick. What will you do with your remaining 5-10 years? What will you change and how will you do it? (Kinder question #2)
• This time your doctor shocks you with the news that you only have one day left to live. Notice the feelings that arise when you hear that news. What dreams will be unfulfilled? What do you wish you would have finished or done? (Kinder question #3)
• What is your desired future state?
• Let's say it's five years from now. April 27th, 20__, and you haven't accomplished (insert goal/vision here). What would you say are the one or two things that prevented you from getting there?

*If you like the Kinder questions, here's a link to the episode where we talk about them in depth.

Understanding money history

• What’s a money decision you’ve made in the last 30 days where you felt a lot of emotion, either positive or negative? Could have been excitement, fear, joy, relief, etc.
• Can you give me an idea of your financial life up to this point?
• Beginning in childhood, what have been the financial events that have most shaped your life?
• When you think about difficult financial times in the past, how well do you think you've bounced back financially and/or emotionally?
• What is your first memory of money?
• What was money like in your family growing up?
• How would you describe your relationship with money and how does it make you feel?
• What was your best experience with money? Have you had any bad experiences?

*Here are two podcast episodes where we spend some time talking about the importance of money history: Sarah Newcomb and Catherine Morgan

Setting clear expectations

• What's most important to you in a relationship with a financial advisor?
• Have you worked with a financial advisor or planner in the past? What was that experience like? What did you like and what do you wish he or she would have done better?
• What role do you want me to play in your lives?
• How often do you want to hear from us? How often do you want to get together?

The ultimate first meeting consists of creating an unparalleled level of trust and peace of mind for the client while extracting all the valuable information you need to map their money to meaning.

The research shows that asking great questions is a superpower for doing just that.

Before your next meeting, review the principles for asking great questions. Then, pick one or two from each section that you like the best.

The prospective client will leave the meeting thinking, "That's the best conversation I've ever had around money."

Brendan Frazier is the founder of Wired Planning, the host of The Human Side of Money podcast, and one of Investopedia’s Top 100 Financial Advisors. He helps financial advisors around the world apply behavioral and psychological principles in their business to enhance client outcomes and ignite growth.

Read more articles by Brendan Frazier