Three Surprising Lessons from Decades of Research

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I love to learn.

I’ve spent much of the past two decades researching, primarily in the fields of psychology and neuroscience. Part of my motivation was to discover how I could convert more prospects into clients. Subsequently, my goal morphed into coaching advisors to do the same, based on what I learned.

There’s been a collateral benefit to my work. I’ve learned a lot about myself. Increased self-awareness has led to changes in my core thinking and behaviors. I hope these changes have made me a better person.

Here are the major takeaways from my research. Maybe they can help you.

1. “Sacred beliefs” aren’t facts

We all have what’s known as “sacred beliefs.” These are things we believe without question are true. In fact, we don’t acknowledge them as beliefs. We consider them to be unassailable facts.

Examples of sacred beliefs include:

Religious convictions;
The role of family in our lives;
Our views on morality and ethics; and
Our views on marriage and sexuality.

Understanding that my sacred beliefs aren’t facts was an important breakthrough.

Let’s take religious beliefs as an example. In the United States, approximately 43% of the population is atheist. It’s significantly higher in many other countries (like China, where 91% of the population identify as atheists).

As strongly as I may feel about my sacred beliefs, millions of people hold contrary views.

It’s humbling to understand that – even on issues where I’m sure I’m “right” – others believe my views are incorrect.

2. The awesome power of naïve realism

Naïve realism is defined as “the common-sense viewpoint that our perception the external world is a direct copy of it.”

It’s a little-understood bias, just like other cognitive biases with which we are all familiar (like confirmation bias).

Naïve realism explains why we’re so confident we perceive reality objectively, while others view it through the distorted lens of their biases.

Without an understanding of naïve realism, we regard those who hold opinions different from ours as ignorant or poorly informed... or just stupid.

An understanding of why our country is so polarized should start by viewing our difference through the lens of naïve realism. When two people each believe their perception is objectively correct and the other person’s is distorted, how likely is it they will be able to compromise?

The events of January 6, 2021 are a vivid example of naïve realism. We all have access to the same videos and images. Yet the perceptions of what transpired on that date could not be more different, often depending on the political affiliation of those that hold them.

Once I understood the import of naïve realism, I realized the futility of persuasion. If someone holds a view different from mine, there’s little point of advocating for my position. Naïve realism is causing us each to view the same situation through an entirely different lens.

3. Introverts aren’t weird

Being an introvert isn’t better or worse than being an extrovert.

But it’s more challenging.

Most people are on the extroverted side of the spectrum. They have appealing social skills. They’re fun to be around, often charismatic, and frequently the “life of the party.”

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Introverts tend to be quiet. We don’t like to talk about ourselves. We prefer to listen rather than speak. What’s commonly considered “fun” (getting together with friends, going to parties, networking, participating in team activities) is stressful to us.

Once I understood that these differences are part of our DNA and that the brains of introverts are different from those of extroverts, I accepted my introvert status.

Then I embraced it.

There are many benefits of being an introvert. We’re thoughtful, good listeners, have fewer but higher quality friendships and are compassionate leaders.

One study found those who prefer to spend time alone, rather than socializing with friends, were more intelligent and experienced higher life satisfaction.

Whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, it’s important to understand where you fall on the spectrum. It will improve your interaction with others.

Dan trains executives and employees in the lessons based on the research on his latest book, Ask: How to Relate to Anyone. His online course, Ask: Increase Your Sales. Deepen Your Relationships, is currently available.