Everything’s Great, So Why Am I Not Happy?

Do other advisors deal with this? Am I an anomaly? I am so hesitant to bring this up with peers, it’s embarrassing. Do not use my real initials here as I would not even want my team to know I am writing this. They know some days are my “dark days” as they call them, but they don’t really know the depth of my angst.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

While over time I have been called the “work-relationship doctor,” and sometimes when I do interviews people mistake my background as one in psychology or social work, everything I know I have learned by my own research and education. I preface my comments because I want you to know I am not a doctor. I don’t diagnose or prescribe, and I am out of my league when it comes to mental- or health-related issues.

With that said, I recommend you get in touch with a psychiatrist to see if you have any medical issues. It’s possible you are dealing with something that requires medication and this could solve your issue immediately. You didn’t mention in your note to me whether you have tried this or not; it should be a first step. You may be experiencing trauma from past issues you have not dealt with effectively. My next recommendation is to talk to a therapist or psychologist to see if there are deeply rooted issues you may need to surface and resolve.

I start with this because I don’t want to be cavalier and overlook the possibility that what you are dealing with is significant and needs professional attention.

All of that said, I did write a blog for psychologytoday.com for many, many years. I do know a bit about mental health outside of the prescriptions and therapy! If you are thinking this is depression, worry or stress (none of which are “simple”), there are some things I recommend you consider:

1. Talk with your team about what’s happening in the firm, what you are concerned about, obstacles you see and what help you might need from them to address concerns and meet goals. It sounds to me like you are carrying a lot of responsibility on your shoulders and maybe taking on a bit too much. Share goals and concerns about reaching those goals with others as they may have some insights and ideas you could benefit from. This would allow you to feel less alone in focusing on the success of the firm.

2. Get engaged in some philanthropic endeavor or charitable passion if you are not already doing so. You might already sit on a board or two, many advisors do this, and this is great – they can certainly benefit from your experience, but I’ve found actual volunteering and getting your hands dirty, so to speak, are what makes us happy. Seeing what others are dealing with, be it at a homeless shelter, food back or domestic violence shelter, can help orient you to what you have in life and how fortunate you are.

3. Make a list of what you are worried about at the beginning of each week, then refuse to worry all week knowing you have captured these things in writing. At the end of each week, read what you were worried about. Often doing this for a month will eventually show you that what you are concerned about did not come to fruition. We expend energy on the worry, but when an event comes that needs to be addressed (and they do come along, of course – that’s life), we are depleted in our emotional reserves because we have worried so much! Instead put the worries in a desk drawer and consider which ones continue to pop up. You could choose to focus on only these things which at least will winnow down your worry window!

4. Find a good book on how to be happier. There is great research that shows exactly how to change our mindset, and sometimes our behavior, to be happier and more positive. There are many books, but I like David Burns’ Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. I have attended many psychology conferences where Burns has spoken, and his work is easy to understand and relevant. There are others, of course: The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor and Flourish by Martin Seligman who is a PhD, a professor at the University of Pennsylvania and director of the Positive Psychology Center. There are courses on how to be happier! What this means, and I hope is your takeaway, is that many people are struggling with these issues and your situation is not unique.

Reorient yourself before you fall much deeper. I’m going to guess your team members admire you greatly and would want to work with you on this, your clients clearly find value in the relationship and your wife would want to partner with you to lift yourself out of your dark place. Leverage your stakeholders and create a new path!

Dear Bev,

Is the youth of today always so snarly and negative and about everything? Is there anything that inspires and excites them? We have four 20-somethings on our team and all I hear is pushback – they don’t want to be responsible for the copier, take a letter to the post office when it is urgent, or take care of reports that are necessary for client meetings. It is a litany of complaints all day long, and I’m getting tired of it. Are firms dealing with this with their younger team members?

K.V.

Dear K.V.,

I get tired of hearing this refrain, and I answer it quite often. It characterizes an entire generation as having one or more specific failings and insinuates everyone from that generation is the same. It is insulting. I don’t like it when it is done to me, and I can’t imagine doing it to someone else.

The short answer is “no.” The youth today is not uniformly negative and resistant. In fact, as a college professor, I see exactly the opposite – most of my 20-something students are motivated, engaged and want very much to do well and succeed. I have a 20-something on my team who works very hard and is attentive, positive and proactive with everything our clients need.

Don’t get mad at me, but are you treating these team members as “less than” so you are getting less than from them? For example, the situations you shared when they have been negative are ones that normally you might ask an administrative person to do. I know all of us have to do admin things. I go to my own post office box often when others on my team are flat out. But are you engaging them in significant areas? Are you taking advantage of their insights and ideas, so they feel they are contributing to the firm in important ways? Are you seeking their input? Are you coaching them so they can get better and know where to focus and what they need to learn? Is there a path for them so they can see improvement?

Most of the time when I hear negative feedback about today’s youth, I learn that cohort is striving for more, feeling undervalued and unclear where their role fits in the organization.

Does this mean everyone is a great team player or that some of the people you are referring to might not need to be put on performance plans and/or managed out? Of course not. I’m not using a rose-colored lens to say everyone is great. But consider the view from their seat. Perhaps they are unhappy because of how they are being managed or treated and not because they are unpleasant people.

Every generation has its stars and its laggards, its over-achievers and also-rans and its leaders and its followers. That’s because every generation has human beings. Are we influenced by our upbringing and the culture of our youth and early adulthood? Yes, of course we are, but it doesn’t define who we are as people and professionals. Keep this in mind and see if you can get better results from these younger team members.

Beverly Flaxington co-founded The Collaborative, a consulting firm devoted to business building for the financial services industry, in 1995. The firm also founded and manages the Advisors Sales Academy. The firm has won the Wealthbriefing WealthTech award for Best Training Solution for 2022 and 2023. Beverly is currently an adjunct professor at Suffolk University teaching undergraduate and graduate students Entrepreneurship and Leading Teams. She is a Certified Professional Behavioral Analyst (CPBA) and Certified Professional Values Analyst (CPVA).

She has spent over 25 years in the investment industry and has been featured in Selling Power Magazine and quoted in hundreds of media outlets, including The Wall Street Journal, MSNBC.com, Investment News and Solutions Magazine for the FPA. She speaks frequently at investment industry conferences and is a speaker for the CFA Institute.

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