The Unnecessary Deathbed Regret

I don’t question the validity of these sentiments and the importance of living an authentic life. What’s missing is the undeniable fact that life is not a one-size-fits-all journey, and there are valid reasons for compromise and responsible living which are under-appreciated.

The psychology of dreams and responsibilities

Human behavior and decision-making are influenced by many factors, including cognitive processes, social norms, and individual values.

Extrinsic motivation

For most, work is not optional. We need a job to pay our bills, educate our children, and live a certain quality of life. Psychologists call this “extrinsic motivation.”

If you have led a life dominated by extrinsic motivation, I don’t understand why you should feel bad about it.

Not everyone can be a rock star, a professional athlete, or an artist living off the grid.

The importance of responsible living

Responsible living entails making choices that consider the well-being of ourselves and those around us. It acknowledges that we can’t always prioritize our dreams above all else, as this may lead to harm to ourselves or our loved ones. Responsible living encompasses:

Financial stability

Pursuing a dream without financial stability can lead to financial ruin, impacting not only the pursuer but also their family and dependents.

Family and relationships

Neglecting family and relationship responsibilities in pursuit of personal dreams can strain bonds and lead to emotional suffering.

Long-term planning

Responsible living involves making plans for the future, like saving for retirement and providing for children's education.

Health and well-being

Pursuing dreams at the expense of your physical or mental health can have long-lasting consequences. Studies show that musicians die 25 years younger than average.

Increased happiness

I found this observation telling: “When we put something or someone else ahead of ourselves, we gain something enormously valuable in return: the knowledge that our lives are worthwhile and have meaning. And if you don’t believe that, just look at the lives of the idle rich, and their rates of addiction, depression and suicide.”

Neuroscience calls into question whether acting responsibly and meeting the expectations of others is (or should be) a genuine source of regret.

The brain's reward system

The brain's reward system, primarily driven by the release of dopamine, plays a pivotal role in motivation and goal pursuit. When we achieve our dreams or progress toward them, our brains reward us with a sense of accomplishment and pleasure. This neurochemical response fuels our desire to keep chasing our dreams.

But the brain's reward system isn’t solely focused on personal dreams. It also rewards us for fulfilling responsibilities and meeting societal expectations, suggesting that the brain is wired to find satisfaction in pursuing dreams and being responsible.

Studies show that those who act responsibly and resist the allure of short-term gratification lead healthier lives, sleep better, exercise more, make better life choices, and have lower stress and anxiety.

The value of compromise

While pursuing our dreams and living authentically is laudable, it's equally important to recognize that compromise is not a sign of failure or weakness. It can be a powerful tool for achieving a harmonious and fulfilling life.

Compromise involves finding a middle ground between our dreams and our responsibilities. It allows us to pursue our passions while also meeting our obligations.

Compromise forces us to prioritize what truly matters. It encourages us to identify our core values and align our actions with them. Doing so can lead to a deeper sense of purpose and satisfaction.

Maintaining a balance between dreams and responsibilities helps us nurture and strengthen our relationships. When we prioritize our loved ones and share responsibilities, we create a support system that allows us to pursue our dreams with a more substantial foundation.

The notion that the greatest regret of dying patients is not living the life they wanted isn’t without merit. It highlights the importance of authenticity, pursuing intrinsic goals, and finding fulfillment in life. But life is a complex interplay of dreams and responsibilities.

Ultimately, living a life that combines authenticity, compromise, and responsibility can lead to a fulfilling and purposeful existence. It's not about ignoring the dying regret but about embracing it as a reminder to make choices that honor our true selves while considering the well-being of those we hold dear.

If you have a client or loved one at a terminal stage who expresses these regrets, remind them how their loved ones will never forget the love and sacrifices made for their benefit and the benefit of others.

Dan coaches evidence-based financial advisors on how to convert more prospects into clients. His digital marketing firm is a leading provider of SEO, website design, branding, content marketing, and video production services to financial advisors worldwide.

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