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Beverly Flaxington is a practice management consultant. She answers questions from advisors facing human resource issues. To submit yours, email us here.
Dear Bev,
We have a really strong team of 19 people. Our advisors are great at what they do, but they fundamentally do not like one another. It impacts the entire team. I read your column often, so I know this is not unique to our team. But here is the twist: these partners never once tell each other that anything is wrong. They are actually syrupy sweet to one another. If you only saw them together, you would think they have a great thing going.
Behind one another’s backs it is a different story entirely. It is honestly like being in middle school. We are the staff. None of us are comfortable confronting them when they act like everything is great but then talk about each other with such hate later. I wouldn’t say these things about my worst enemy (or even my ex-husband)!
I’m not really writing to ask you what to do, because I really don’t think there is anything we can do. The three of them are all very passive-aggressive, so if any one of us were to confront them, we know we would immediately be the problem. We watched them push one of our colleagues out after he voiced how challenging the situation is, and they wanted none of it.
I am writing because while I don’t want you to post my initials, I do hope one of our partners reads this and thinks “Is this us?” Only if they are willing to see the destructive nature of their actions will things start to change.
Anonymous
Dear Advisor Team Member,
In many sessions, both group and individual coaching, I talk about the importance of “owning” what we need to change. No one is perfect and as long as we are in a physical body there will be opportunities to learn and grow from our actions. However, there are many, many people who are not interested in seeing anything about their own behavior that is causing a problem. They either have over-developed egos, or a lack of confidence so deep it is threatening to find an area of opportunity for change.
Your advisors don’t want the jig to be up, because it would mean they have to be open and honest with one another. Most people avoid conflict at all costs. If they were to address what is going on, and talk about the impact on the team, they would also have to confront the many issues they have with one another. This would lead to one of two outcomes: 1) They will understand the back-stabbing and negative gossip about each other is not true. or 2) They will have to deal with the fallout that comes with addressing negative behavior directly with the person (their partner) they are upset with. I’m going to guess neither option would appeal to them. In their view, it’s best to ignore what is happening — then there is no need to worry about it!
This is an extremely difficult situation overall. If you are working for people who choose what I call the “hear no evil, see no evil and speak no evil” approach, you really are stuck when it comes to finding ways to make the situation different. These are not equal peers either; they are the owners of the firm. There are real consequences to taking them on by bringing something up, as you have seen.
There are always options, however, and you do have a couple:
- The next time one of them talks to you or one of your peers about the other partner(s), tell them this: “I am very uncomfortable hearing negative things about my bosses. I enjoy working with all of you, and I’d prefer not to listen to anything negative. I respect you, and I respect (fill in the name here). I hope you can understand.” This might set the person back a bit who was about to start complaining. Maybe they will see the difficult position it puts you in.
- Be the champion for a Positive Culture Shift. Get the rest of your colleagues together and make a plan to instill positivity in your culture. You never have to address the genesis of why you are doing this. Instead, you can just announce a positive culture shift that the majority of the team wants to undertake. You can publish ground rules on how to foster this culture and engage the partners in being contributors. It will be hard for them to debate the merits of being positive, so you might be able to push them to stop some of their behavior by being bold and making this a cultural imperative!
Dear Bev,
My business partner and my wife are very friendly with one another. It probably goes without saying that both support me unequivocally in almost everything I do. I currently have a head of Ops, “Gladys,” whom I am going to be putting on a performance plan. She is late almost every day, leaves about one to two times per week for a sick child (she is mother to five) and has made several high-profile mistakes for clients over the last two months. I’ve tried talking to her to see if anything is going on either personally or professionally and she tells me everything is fine, and that some days are more difficult than others for balancing work and home life.
The issue is that my wife really likes Gladys — a lot. My partner adores Gladys because in addition to everything she does for her own work and home life, she often makes him meals and brings homemade baked items. He lost his wife nine months ago, and Gladys has been extremely supportive.
I believe I am able to separate what a very nice person Gladys is from the work product. We pay her very, very well given the number of years she has been with us, and I believe we should be getting 40-45 hours at the minimum every week. I’m moving ahead with the performance plan despite the pressures, but I want to talk with my wife and my partner about how inappropriate it is for them to bring personal feelings into a business decision. Am I wrong to confront this? Should I just move ahead with Gladys and not address anything else?
I am really irritated but am at a loss about what to do about it.
P.K.
Dear P.K.,
Several years ago, I had an excellent client. He had become a good friend and asked me to run a profile on a woman he was thinking about marrying. We do the DISC and Driving Forces assessments to understand client team members, and we had been completing them for his firm and all of his new hires. He wanted to see whether this woman was for the long-term, and he was contemplating asking her to move in with him.
To make a very long story short, she was reluctant to complete the profile. I kept telling him I was concerned about why she was so concerned about it. In the meantime, he had her move in. Once she did complete it, the results were very disconcerting. I did a profile “debrief” with her and became even more alarmed after speaking with her. By now she was living with him. He argued with me and got very mad that I was not positive about this woman based on her results.
A few months later, he came home to an empty house. She had stolen everything from him and had vanished. To this day he doesn’t know where she is or what she did with all of his belongings. I was “right” about my suspicions with the profile results, but it didn’t win me any points with an important client. Being “right” about the situation didn’t make it a less a painful or horrible experience for him.
I tell you this story so you will understand why I am not going to get in the middle of your wife and your partner on this issue. You are ready to go ahead with the performance plan for Gladys, and it sounds like this is appropriate. Whether you confront your wife and then separately your partner about their views and behavior toward Gladys really is up to you. Listen to your gut, and do what you believe is best to maintain relationships all around. I definitely learned not to meddle in any personal advising when it comes to professional relationships!
Beverly Flaxington co-founded The Collaborative, a consulting firm devoted to business building for the financial services industry, in 1995. The firm also founded and manages the Advisors Sales Academy. The firm has won the Wealthbriefing WealthTech award for Best Training Solution for 2022, 2023, 2024 and 2025. Beverly is currently an adjunct professor at Suffolk University teaching undergraduate and graduate students Entrepreneurship and Leading Teams. She is a Certified Professional Behavioral Analyst (CPBA) and Certified Professional Values Analyst (CPVA).
She has spent over 25 years in the investment industry and has been featured in Selling Power Magazine and quoted in hundreds of media outlets, including The Wall Street Journal, MSNBC.com, Investment News and Solutions Magazine for the FPA. She speaks frequently at investment industry conferences and is a speaker for the CFA Institute.
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