Take a Breath When Unfairly Criticized

Dear M.A.,

Firstly yes, I agree you cannot address an issue to someone when you don’t know for sure that they were the source of a comment. Importantly, if you are wrong and they were not the person who said it, it would cause an extremely awkward situation for you and this other person going forward. Even if you were correct, they might feel attacked and think (wrongly) your boss did not hold the confidence.

I completely agree that, in general, if someone has a concern with another person or people who work for that person, the issue should be directed to the party who can do something about it. Getting your boss involved, or anyone else for that matter, can turn it into a he said/he said scenario. Your boss might not have conveyed the concern accurately. After all, they were not the one who had the concern in the first place. All of that said, of course, I don’t know anything about your relationship with your boss, whether the person is afraid of speaking up to you and whether there is more history between you and whomever said this that I might not be aware of.

This may be an opportunity to talk with your boss about cultural issues within your firm. You may be working somewhere that has a negative view of any sort of feedback, believing it leads to uncomfortable confrontations between colleagues. In most places where feedback is embraced, the culture is healthier; there isn’t gossip or talking behind someone’s back and there is open dialogue and a willingness to hear from and communicate with one another. In last week’s column I wrote about a process we provide called ARTICA that can help facilitate this.

I definitely understand your frustration, especially if you believe the comments were not accurate. However, I caution you not to dwell on this too much before you have a chance to speak with your boss again to learn more. If you ruminate over it, you will become increasingly frustrated and may inadvertently say something you will regret!

See if you can learn more, and then determine your best next step.

Dear Bev,

I feel a bit silly writing to you as a 28+-year veteran of this industry who has held several senior-level positions, but I am struggling with my confidence. I’ve had a new boss come in who has layered me and is a very difficult person to read and make happy. If I meet a goal and share I’ve done it, his response will almost always be something along the lines of, “Isn’t that what you are here to do?”

My job involves onboarding new FAs and training them in our systems and our approach. One week, I had seven new people and I was really proud of how I handled it. Nothing went wrong; everyone learned what they needed to; and they all integrated into their new teams pretty seamlessly. However, he chastised me in front of the new training cohort because the microphone he needed was giving feedback as he was speaking.

I was mortified, and I believe the new team members were uncomfortable too. I have heard him say to others that his job isn’t to coddle people, it’s to show them what they need to do better. I’m not one who needs coddling, but once in a while, I’d like some recognition for what I am doing well.

It's probably not fixable, but I’ll take any advice on how to handle this situation.

O.G.

Dear O.G.,

This is likely a situation combining two things I often write about — one is differences in behavioral style and one is management philosophy.

Your boss is likely a high-D (Dominance) person who is focused solely on the results and the outcomes. He may not have any interpersonal “ratings” at all, so when he sees something, he says something, and most of what he sees is what needs to be fixed. He likely doesn’t see value in acknowledgement or encouragement. I’m not judging this, but if you are wired differently and have a need for the occasional pat-on-the-back, you will frequently feel very defeated in dealing with him. You may be a quieter, process-oriented high S (Steadiness) who keeps your head on and does the work. Often, people wired like this have an expectation someone will notice what they are doing if they just do the right thing. But it doesn’t work this way, unless you have a boss who sees it and appreciates it.

The other piece is management style. When I teach grad classes on management, I often talk about the two approaches: in one, a manager believes his or her job is to fix someone and keep finding what needs to be improved; in the other, a manager believes the role is to identify strengths and build someone up at things they are already good at. If your boss is a “fixer,” his eyes are drawn to what isn’t working and what needs to change. He will assume the rest is going well because it is supposed to!

This may not make your situation any easier to deal with, but I hope it does show you that you’re not silly to have a reaction to what’s happening. When we are wired differently from our boss or the culture is not validating in a meaningful way, it can be discouraging.

One thing you could do for yourself is to keep a notebook and each day write down two to three things you know you have done well. Keep a running list each week of your personal wins. While it isn’t the same as hearing it from the person who will eventually do your performance review, it may give you that needed boost to keep your confidence up. Sometimes we have to be our own cheerleaders!

Beverly Flaxington co-founded The Collaborative, a consulting firm devoted to business building for the financial services industry, in 1995. The firm also founded and manages the Advisors Sales Academy. The firm has won the Wealthbriefing WealthTech award for Best Training Solution for 2022, 2023, 2024 and 2025. Beverly is currently an adjunct professor at Suffolk University teaching graduate programs on Leadership and Management. She is a Certified Professional Behavioral Analyst (CPBA) and Certified Professional Values Analyst (CPVA).

She has spent over 25 years in the investment industry and has been featured in Selling Power Magazine and quoted in hundreds of media outlets, including The Wall Street Journal, MSNBC.com, Investment News and Solutions Magazine for the FPA. She speaks frequently at investment industry conferences and is a speaker for the CFA Institute.

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