A Brief Guide to Building Amicable (and Effective) Office Relationships

1. It’s always important to assume positive intent. When I became a hypnotherapist, I learned a lot about neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), which might help us to understand our and others’ behavioral and communication patterns. While NLP has its detractors, one of the key things I learned from a mentor was the idea of “assume positive intent.”

It’s not that everything people do will be positive — there are bullies, mean people, greedy people, nefarious people, and others. It just means that, until you know the “why?” behind someone’s behavior you are observing, assume there might be a positive reason they are doing something. If, for example, your colleague shows up late a lot and you find this disrespectful, consider that maybe they are having trouble sleeping or home-life problems, or they need better time management skills. Rather than assume the worst and then start talking to other colleagues about it, seek to understand and learn what’s underneath their behavior.

2. Behavioral styles and communication differences prevent us from hearing and understanding one another most effectively. There are some studies that show that words are only about 7– 10% of what’s understood in any communication between two people. The rest, at least 90%, is attributable to tone, pace of speech, and action and body language. We also have preferred words we use. I might say something is “urgent” while you say it is “becoming a priority” — the listener would hear two different things depending on our choices.

You might think you are merely sharing an insight about something with a colleague, but they might “hear” you as yelling at them or criticizing them. Your colleague may see you as resistant and unwilling to share insights when you are simply a person who needs to process things. Rather than talk and engage, you may need to consider all angles before you have a point of view.

These differences get turned into assumptions, and team members often don’t take the time to look past the outward style. They frequently don’t try to understand why their colleague is saying something in a different way than they might . In fact, many times this week I heard people say “Well that’s what I would be thinking if I were doing that… ” Don’t project. Learn about the other person.

3. You may know what you are supposed to be doing, but that doesn’t mean everyone around you does. Have patience for someone who is trying to learn new skills. In a few cases lately, I’ve heard frustration from existing team members for a newer person who “just doesn’t get it.” People learn in different ways. Adult learning styles tell us that some people are more visual, some auditory and some kinesthetic. If you give someone a book to read and then say they have been trained, the likelihood is that they haven’t learned very much.

Adult learners might need charts or diagrams if they are visual, not just words on a page. There are also people who like to learn independently, some who prefer to learn in a group setting, and others who are logical or verbal learners. In addition, once people get out of school and into adulthood, they learn better when there is context. New concepts or ideas might not take hold right away. If someone needs to embrace new ideas, understand how their piece connects to other pieces within the company and jump in, you may find that person is flailing and needs support. Don’t judge it — help them.

4. When engaging in new projects, consider focusing on the team elements before you assign the work that needs to be done. In many cases, the project being assigned is somewhat vague — maybe there is an end goal, maybe a deadline, but there often isn’t attention paid to how people will work together. Spend time talking about different strengths and areas of focus.

If someone is particularly good at editing, don’t ask them to do the graphic design. Discuss what each person can contribute. Then assign roles on the team to each person. Who should be the leader, the note taker, the scheduler and the time-keeper to ensure that the team stays on track?

In many cases, I hear colleagues complain because someone on a team project isn’t pulling their weight. Often it is because there wasn’t structure put in place to make sure everyone knew, upfront, where they fit and what was expected. Focusing on how the team can “team” together is just as important as focusing on what the team needs to do together. Make it a habit to do this at the beginning of each and every project.

5. Remember that people do have lives. While I am a proponent of leaving your troubles at the door when you walk into the office, admittedly some people deal with personal stress better than others. Your colleague walked by you without smiling today? What might he or she have dealt with before they came to the office? Your colleague doesn’t seem as sharp in a meeting and hasn’t responded right away to what you asked? What sleep or health problems might they be dealing with?

This goes back a bit to my first point about positive intent, but also remember the saying (credited to Robin Williams), "Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always." I’m not saying you let your co-workers drop the ball, come in late every day and cease caring about the work. I’m saying that if you work with someone who is typically dependable and one day or time they are not at their best, don’t judge it. Rather, consider it may stem from something you don’t know about. Suspend judgement until you know what’s really going on.

6. Lastly, please make a commitment that no matter what is going on you will refrain from being a gossip. Gossiping never helped anyone and it has only hurt. On too many teams and in too many firms I work with I can “get the scoop” because someone will tell me about what someone else said about what someone else did. Yes, in my line of work it’s helpful to understand the dynamics. However, I often find myself thinking, “it would have been easier if someone just shared this with the person directly.” I get it, many people struggle with confrontation and they don’t like to be negative, but resorting to gossip is much more negative than dealing with someone directly! It may go on around you, but you can choose to be that person who refuses to engage.

I know this represents a lot of the soft stuff of what you do each and every day, but I’ve seen many a team be so much less productive and happy than they could be because they haven’t addressed these people complications. Examine your team and try something that might work for you.

Beverly Flaxington co-founded The Collaborative, a consulting firm devoted to business building for the financial services industry, in 1995. The firm also founded and manages the Advisors Sales Academy. The firm has won the Wealthbriefing WealthTech award for Best Training Solution for 2022, 2023, 2024 and 2025. Beverly is currently an adjunct professor at Suffolk University teaching undergraduate and graduate students Entrepreneurship and Leading Teams. She is a Certified Professional Behavioral Analyst (CPBA) and Certified Professional Values Analyst (CPVA).

She has spent over 25 years in the investment industry and has been featured in Selling Power Magazine and quoted in hundreds of media outlets, including The Wall Street Journal, MSNBC.com, Investment News and Solutions Magazine for the FPA. She speaks frequently at investment industry conferences and is a speaker for the CFA Institute.

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