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Over 40-plus years in financial planning, I noticed a common pattern with client couples: In meetings with advisors, one partner usually does most of the talking. The other sits back, nods in the right places, and answers direct questions.
The professionals in the room key off the partner who talks. That’s a natural response. It’s efficient. It also helps keep one spouse ignorant around the family finances.
How can planners help change the silent-partner dynamic? I learned the value of actively bringing the quieter partner into the conversation by turning toward them, making eye contact, and asking for their thoughts. Even if the answer is still a shrug, the question signals that their view belongs in the conversation.
It also helps to suspend judgment and gently explore why someone is reluctant to participate. They may feel less “qualified” if they earn less than their partner. They may be afraid of looking foolish in front of two people who understand something they do not.
A Division of Labor
Many couples divide up the money work. Most of the time it doesn’t matter who manages the bills, tracks account balances, or does the tax returns. The arrangement turns risky when one partner doesn’t know enough about the finances. That lack of involvement can have serious consequences.
One concern is that eventually one partner will almost certainly need to handle the money alone as a result of death, divorce, or incapacity. I have sat with surviving spouses needing to learn everything about their finances at the worst possible moment. A few could not even name the bank that held their checking account.
Sometimes a partner is shut out on purpose. The National Network to End Domestic Violence reports that financial abuse occurs in 99 percent of domestic violence cases. For an abuser, keeping a partner ignorant about family finances is a way to control them and limit their options.
An Ethical Dilemma
For planners, disregarding a silent partner also raises a question of ethics. A planner in a financial therapy study group I take part in described one client couple who were spending past their income and carrying a burden of debt.
The husband handled their finances, knew how bad things were, and was communicating with the planner. The wife didn’t come to meetings, appeared to have no idea, and kept on spending. The planner realized she had become complicit in a destructive pattern of secret-keeping.
Joy Slabaugh, a Certified Financial Planner™ and licensed therapist who taught advisors to recognize financial abuse at this year’s Financial Planning Association NorCal conference, offers a practical approach. Couple counselors commonly work under a stated policy that they will not hold a secret from one partner on behalf of the other. She recommends that planners do something similar, writing into the client agreement that they will meet individually with each partner on a set schedule.
Keeping Everyone Informed — and Heard
Her recommendation was new to me, and it makes sense. It helps advisors maintain their clarity about representing both partners. It gives a partner who is used to staying in the background a chance to be heard without having to initiate a separate meeting. Also, if either partner strongly opposes the idea, that reaction is important information.
I have written before about the qualities to look for in an advisor who works well with couples. It would be worthwhile to also ask whether the firm will meet with each of you separately.
I suggest one solo conversation a year would help give the silent partner a voice. It would help both the couple and the advisor to remember that, no matter who handles the accounts or earns the most, the partners are equals in the financial planning relationship.
Rick Kahler, MS, CFP®, CFT™, CeFT®, is the founder of Kahler Financial Group, a Rapid City, SD-based fee-only Registered Investment Advisor.
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Advisor Perspectives welcomes guest contributions. The views presented here do not necessarily represent those of Advisor Perspectives.