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Beverly Flaxington is a practice management consultant. She answers questions from advisors facing human resource issues. To submit yours, email us here.
Dear Bev,
Our partners really want a collaborative and cohesive team. We regularly do “teambuilding” exercises including cooking classes, offsites and weekly “get to know you” meetings. Our partners believe the better we work together internally, the better we will serve clients.
I get it. I’d like a collaborative environment also, but two of my team members are downright mean individuals. They are catty, gossipy, and overall not people you would want to interact with on a regular basis.
We can work together. I do my job, and they are good at what they do — so I mostly ignore them. Now it’s about getting along and spending time together. And that’s where I draw the line. My partners say we are not team players if we are not willing to participate. I’ll participate to avoid getting fired, but I’m not going to be friends with these people.
L.O.
Dear L.O.,
This is an interesting one. I teach graduate classes on leadership, and there is research that shows that teams who treat each other like “friends” actually have better performance than those who do not. Being friends with co-workers doesn’t mean hanging out on the weekends. Rather, it means treating one another with respect, supporting one another, and generally trying to find the best in others.
That said, I would never ask someone to be friends with a person they don’t respect and don’t like. The behavior you describe is definitely off-putting. However, you do have to work with these people. You note they are good at what they do. Is it possible to direct your support to the work you are doing together and find the good in their talent and their ability to do the best thing by clients?
If you can channel energy into the best working relationship you could possibly have, that’s a good starting place. When it comes to cattiness and gossip, learn to walk away. Don’t do this in anger or as if you are better than they are. Instead, do it quietly and calmly. You can always say there is something you need to do for a client — white lies here are okay! — and then make your escape. It might not even be a white lie. Most advisory firms and teams I work with are busy 24/7 and beyond.
Your partners are trying to do right by the team providing the activities they are asking you all to engage in. It’s hard when people have fundamental differences in approach and, ultimately, different value sets. If your partners are open, you could ask them to gear most of the activities to working hours and work-related topics such as planning, goal achievement, obstacles and so on. After-work or weekend activities can be done once a year for a family outing or holiday party, but they shouldn’t be the norm unless people are choosing to spend personal time together.
Dear Bev,
I’ve been asked to mentor a new team member, Charisse. She is in her early 50s and this is her third career. Her area of expertise is financial, but for now she is in an operations role while she learns more about the business. I think my boss ultimately wants her to take on a CFO position. He wants Charisse to understand our industry, our firm and how the numbers relate before he assigns her here.
I know this sounds like a strange process — we are a small five-person RIA, and my boss does things a bit unusually. I’ve been a mentor for everyone who has joined over the last 15 years. My boss and I have been together, here and at another firm, for a total of 22 years. He trusts me.
I typically like the mentor role, but this woman is difficult for me to handle. I’m a bit older than she is but not by much. If I try to show her something, she will spend 15 minutes telling me how she did this in her other career much more efficiently and effectively. She often cuts me off mid-sentence to tell me she doesn’t need the details of something. Yesterday, she told me that since this has been my primary job for so long, I’m probably not as aware of trends and advancements she has seen in her other career journeys.
Our business is complex. My boss is an institutional investment professional, and our portfolios are his artwork (he uses that word every day). We do complex planning, because our clients are very high-end corporate professionals with complicated lives. This isn’t a place where you can learn a couple of things and be ready to go. It’s an inculcation period that typically takes 18-24 months at minimum.
Charisse has told me she isn’t waiting around for her “real role” longer than necessary. Do I complain about her to my boss? Do I ignore her attitude and just do what I’ve always done? Do I confront her, thereby causing a problem in a really small firm? I’m at a loss.
J.E.
Dear J.E.,
There are probably a lot of underlying dynamics going on here with Charisse that don’t have much to do with you. I’m going to imagine it’s a bit challenging and fear-inducing to start a third career in one’s early 50s. You don’t say why she has changed career tracks three times, but typically when someone does this it isn’t entirely by choice.
They could have realized what they had been doing isn’t a great fit for them, or they could have been pushed out of a career because of industry changes or a firm that closed down, or maybe they haven’t been able to find themselves and their niche. None of these reasons are positive ones.
Charisse may be hiding her fear of the third iteration not working out by showing bravado about what she does know. Often, when a person engages in difficult behavior, especially if it is rude or pushy, underneath they are fearful. This behavior is the mask for that fear.
This doesn’t help you, of course, in the day-to-day when you have to deal with her. You have three options to choose from for a next step:
- The easiest approach in terms of investment on your part is to ignore Charisse except for when you need to teach her something. If you can be like the duck who gets water on their back and shakes it off, shake off her negativity. It’s about her, not about you.
- Take her to coffee and have a direct conversation about how her behavior and approach is affecting you. I would refrain from bringing up past situations such as saying anything like “Anyone in the past I have mentored has been easy to work with.” Tell her it is your goal to help her succeed for herself and for the firm. Outline very specifically some of the negative things she does so she can reflect on her behavior. People always reserve the right to own what they are doing, or not. Once you share, you’ll have to see whether she embraces it and changes her approach.
- Talk to your boss about how Charisse might not be the best cultural fit for the team. If she is treating you this way now, when she is unproven, chances are good the behavior will continue. In a small firm of five people, her approach could have a negative impact. I don’t know a lot about your workplace’s culture, but the role of CFO is an important one. Let your boss know your experience so far. He will need to decide whether the investment of your time and effort is worth it for someone who is treating you badly.
Beverly Flaxington co-founded The Collaborative, a consulting firm devoted to business building for the financial services industry, in 1995. The firm also founded and manages the Advisors Sales Academy. The firm has won the Wealthbriefing WealthTech award for Best Training Solution for 2022, 2023, 2024 and 2025. Beverly is currently an adjunct professor at Suffolk University teaching undergraduate and graduate students Entrepreneurship and Leading Teams. She is a Certified Professional Behavioral Analyst (CPBA) and Certified Professional Values Analyst (CPVA).
She has spent over 25 years in the investment industry and has been featured in Selling Power Magazine and quoted in hundreds of media outlets, including The Wall Street Journal, MSNBC.com, Investment News and Solutions Magazine for the FPA. She speaks frequently at investment industry conferences and is a speaker for the CFA Institute.
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Advisor Perspectives welcomes guest contributions. The views presented here do not necessarily represent those of Advisor Perspectives.